Dating while black:
What will grandma think if you bring home someone of a different race?
Nneka McGuireChicago Tribune
Editorโs note: Meet. Assess attraction. Court her. (Or him. Or them.) Confess feelings. Discuss monogamy. Marry, maybe. Make babies, if you want. In many ways, the mechanics of dating are universal, regardless of whether youโre black, white, brown or โa colorless person,โ as Raven-Symone famously described herself to Oprah in a 2014 interview. Still, race can color dating experiences in minute and major ways. Many say there are common, cultural threads, and weโre here to tease them out. Call it a labor of love. The following is the fifth of eight in this online series.
Thereโs something sexy about contrast.
It commands attention in home decor. It sounds sweet on the tongue โ ebony and ivory, living together in perfect harmony. It tastes delicious as dessert, from black-and-white cookies to vanilla ice cream drizzled with hot fudge.
In relationships, though, the joining of different races can be seen as subversive. Balked at. Dreaded or dismissed.
To be sure, attitudes are a-changinโ. Weโve come a long way since Mildred and Richard Loving, a Virginia couple arrested for intermarriage and booted out of the state, soldiered on to the Supreme Court to win the landmark Loving v. Virginia case in 1967. The courtโs decision struck down state laws prohibiting interracial marriage.
In 2015, 17 percent of newlyweds married someone of a different race or ethnicity, according to a 2017 analysis from the Pew Research Center. And the uptick in interracial marriages has been steepest among African-Americans. Since 1980, the number of black newlyweds who tied the knot with someone of a different race or ethnicity shot up from 5 percent to 18 percent. That trendโs stronger among black men, who are twice as likely to intermarry as black women.
Still, some black women and men with nonblack partners acknowledge that they have to reckon with family disapproval and cultural differences.
VinโKeia OโNeill, 37, laid eyes on the man who would become her husband in early 2007. They were at the same nightclub. She was immediately attracted to Aaron, who is white. When she spotted him dancing with a black woman, she said to herself, โAll right, he dances with black girls.โ Before then, she didnโt know he was โdown with the swirl.โ
She tapped him on the back, the two exchanged numbers and, by November of that year, she was traveling to Michigan to meet his family at his sisterโs baby shower.
And she was nervous. Very. โI was meeting all the women,โ she said. โI was meeting grandma. I didnโt know what grandma thought about African-American people and how it was during her time. What would she say?โ
Ultimately, โI did not know how I would be perceived,โ she said, โand I wanted to make sure that I represented for my people well.โ
The people sheโs referring to are black. โI think because weโre not the dominant culture โฆ weโre always trying to be accepted by the dominant culture,โ she said, adding that it's a constant effort to be seen as an individual, divorced from racial stereotypes.
The Michigan trip went off without a hitch. But her nervousness wasnโt unfounded. In a prior interracial relationship, sheโd dined with her partner and his parents, who were visiting from Pittsburgh. When she excused herself to go to the restroom, OโNeill said, the mom followed her and delivered a jaw-dropper: โMy son didnโt tell me he was dating a colored girl.โ
The relationship ended shortly thereafter.
Like OโNeill, Greg Edwards is also 37 and was met with harsh words regarding an interracial coupling. But this time, the heat came from his family.
Edwards, a mobile and web application manager who now lives in West Chesterfield, a South Side neighborhood, attended college in De Pere, Wis. He met a woman, Sara, in a bar, and they began dating. When he brought her home, his mom was far from pleased.
โShe didnโt approve of me dating someone white,โ he said, a reaction he didnโt anticipate. Heโd never known sheโd held those views โ โI didnโt find out until I was grown.โ
Momโs disapproval didnโt prompt Edwards to pump the brakes. Heโs now married to the same woman, and they have three sons. โYour parents canโt live your life for you, so youโve got to just keep it moving.โ
Cultural differences also worm their way into interracial pairings and manifest at perhaps unexpected places.
Like the pool.
โI donโt want to go swimming every other day,โ said OโNeill, who lives in the South Loop and now has two children with her husband. After nearly eight years of marriage, she still tells him, โI donโt have blow-and-go hair. I donโt have a relaxer. When I get in the water, itโs going to be a long process until I can get my hair back straight.โ
When they first met, she said, โI had a weave in my hair,โ and he was perplexed. โHow does that process work?โ he asked her. โShow me.โ
Hair, and conversations surrounding it, can be managed. Family matters are more difficult to untangle.
If your beloved is a different race, these moves can help you harmoniously maneuver challenges at any stage of the relationship.
Talk like itโs going out of style. Communication is critical in all relationships, said Porschia Johnson, associate therapist at Lincoln Park Therapy Group, but โitโs particularly important for interracial couples to communicate well and to be on the same page.โ Talk about social justice issues. โMake sure that the person of color doesnโt continue to feel like a marginalized person within the relationship,โ she said. Dig into feelings. Discuss what itโs like โbeing a black person in America.โ Use relevant TV shows or movies as jumping-off points for those sorts of conversations, she suggests.
Formulate a game plan before family time. If one of you suspects your family might be uncomfortable with the relationship, or outright hostile, prep beforehand, Johnson said. Make sure your partner isnโt blindsided. Ask him or her questions like, โWhat do you need to feel supported? What is it that would make you really mad? What would be triggering to you?โ Decide how you want to handle any discord. Donโt wing it. Go in as a united front.
Ask for an assist. In the black community, Johnson said, thereโs a stereotype that couples therapy is not an option. It is. โIt doesnโt make you weak to go to couples therapy, it doesnโt mean that your relationship is failing, it just means that you might need a little help sorting through some of the issues and figuring out what those cultural barriers or differences are.โ
Zero in on the similarities. Humans are humans. โWe bleed, we cry, we all have hurt feelings,โ OโNeill said. And also: โMen are men.โ She noted that her husband leaves his socks out. He does not pick up the toothpaste on the side of the sink. And he forgets things. โWe assume something different of a white man or an Asian man or black men,โ she said, but โtheyโre all the same.โ
Do the math. Race aside, Edwards said, any relationship โis an investment,โ so you need to examine your portfolio. Make sure โthe weaknesses and the strengths balance out, so that youโve got a good return.โ
nmcguire@chicagotribune.com
Copyright ยฉ 2018, Chicago Tribune
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